Asexuality as a Cheeseboard Analogy

🧀 Cheeses aren't for everyone, and guess what, neither is sex.

Very earlier on, I made a TikTok about how I viewed asexuality as a cheeseboard. The first time I tried to put it into words, this is what came tumbling out.
To this day, it still fits.

Sex is a cheeseboard.

There is, in theory, something for everyone.

Smelly cheeses. Hard cheeses. Soft cheeses. Bland cheeses. White and red and blue cheeses and every color in between. Young and matured cheeses. Textured cheeses and flavor profiles that vary almost as much as we do (unless you live in North America, in which case this analogy won’t speak to you. I have tried your cheeses and unless it comes from a farmer’s market you won’t catch me within 10 meters of these hideous blocks that all have the same textures?? And why are they so orange?? Also— Easy Cheese? Really? Please stop. I beg you. But also… what does it taste like? Please let me know.)

So. We have the cheeses set up. Already, we have options. But why stop there?
Let’s add another layer. Accompaniments. Crackers. Bread. Fruits, nuts, honey, or jams to enhance the flavours.

That’s a nice set up.

Now, we all know the major types: mozzarella, cheddar (not the dog), cream cheese. They’re good, mild, unproblematic cheeses. Cheeses that most people use in their everyday life. And really, why would you think about any other cheese when these three do the job for 90% of the use cases?

Cheddar, the dog that owns my soul.

But arguably… There are a lot more cheeses that we have never heard of (obscure names that ring exactly no bells whatsoever) than cheeses that we know.

Some we’ll try, some we won’t.

My point is that a cheeseboard involves a variety of options with different qualities and characteristics for each, just like an individual's sexual preferences may include a variety of experiences, partners, and activities. Just like some people may not like certain types of cheese, some people may not be interested in certain types of sexual experiences.

Now, I have done quite a lot of sampling in a safe environment. I did not like any of the cheeses. Some (a few) of them were mildly interesting, might try again. Most of them were no thank you, never again.

I do… like the smell of cheese, though. The Theory of Cheese™, I shall say.

What is the Theory of Cheese™?

Let’s drop the cheese analogy for a second.

It’s the concept. I am intrigued, nay, fascinated by the concept. This is all so interesting to me from an outsider’s perspective, because while I do not wish to partake in the adventure, I am quite curious.

My awakening was reading Outlander by Diana Gabaldon in the dark of the night after stealing the book from my mom when I was 13 (sorry, mom). From there, I somehow put my nose in Naruto and somehow ended up on fanfiction.net because I needed more Naruto and discovered (gasp!) the terrifying and wonderful world of fanfiction. I tumbled in head first, bye world.

Really quick note: I do not diss original works. I’ve inhaled an obscene amount of books in between bouts of fanfiction, but you know what? Fanfiction allows for a lot more diversity than real books. It isn’t constrained by publishing rules. It’s whatever you want. It’s either really short or really long. It’s often leaps and bounds more diverse in terms of backgrounds and perspectives, and the representation and inclusivity in there is crazy. There are 20 year olds writing fanfiction, and 40 year olds, and 60 year olds, and people who’ll never have access to a publishing deal who pour their hearts out. That’s beauty. I don’t find that’s the case in most books. So, I find myself more in fanfiction than in original works.

And whether in books or in fanfiction, here’s what I love: the perspectives and descriptions of sex are so interesting to me. Because it’s a thousand people writing their version of what they consider to be the act of sex. It’s like diving into unregulated research, from my ace point of view.

Because while I don’t feel sexual attraction to other people, I am a woman with a brain and I do have fantasies and desires. It's not a contradiction to be asexual and enjoy reading about sex. I like it because I get to explore and understand human sexuality in a very safe and detached way. I also get to learn about the sexual experiences and desires of others. Not that I only read sex (I really don’t, porn without plot does nothing for me), but I find that fanfiction has a lot more variety than published work. Anyway, that’s another topic for another day.

Reading sex is great. Writing sex is such a safe way to explore, which I also find incredibly interesting. Watching it, however, is revolting to me. Audiobooks are okay. Participating in the act, thus far, leaves me lukewarm. There are very clear limits in my brain as to what I find acceptable versus not acceptable, and I cannot say why this is green, this is red.

It just is.

I find that cheese is just divisive enough that the analogy works well.

So what am I? Lactose intolerant.

Would I love to eat the cheese? Yes.

Do I think the cheeseboard looks mighty appealing? Yes.

When I get close to it, does it smell wonderful? Yes.

But when I take a bite, I immediately regret it.

Obviously, some people also hate cheese as a whole, and some find the smell foul, and so the Cheese Analogy gets to adapt to everyone. Which I love.

What analogy do you use?