Between my Queer Platonic Relationship, my Romantic Partner and my Best Friends, who would win in a fight?

“How would your romantic relationship differ from the QPR?”

I’m not answering that question today, however, I am speaking on my QPR, sparked by a question from a TikTok comment following a video where I spoke about my queer partner: “How would your romantic relationship differ from the QPR?”

I think these are really interesting topics of conversations, so I’ll try my best! I have always had a skill for evocative imagery in my writing, so I’m gonna attempt to do that now. Wish me luck!

Firstly, I think I need to make three distinctions.

I called B—my QPR partner—my best friend, but that would be wrong. She is other. She is not my best friend, because I have best friends, and the relationships I have with them is different from the relationship I have with B. She does not fit into any box created by society. Our relationship is a partnership, and ‘partnership’ really is the best word to use here. She is a hybrid between a girlfriend and a best friend, and her role is just as important as a romantic partner or a best friend’s role.

I wouldn’t say that my life is completely fulfilled unless I have all these three relationships in my life at the same time. They are on an equal footing for me, neither one more important than another. And it might seems like I want it all, but really it means that I am not basing my happiness on one single person. In my opinion, it just removes the pressure to find someone on which I will unload and attach all my hopes and dreams. I have two-third of my needs already taken care of.

And the conversations I have with my partner and the conversations that I have with my best friends or my romantic partners are not the same. I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint what makes it different… just that it is.

Let’s try to put it into words nonetheless.

Now, what’s different?

I love my best friends like…

A rubber ball. Every thought and every idea will bounce up off of each other. It’s completely indestructible. It’s noisy, this friendship. A lot of ping! ping! ping! in my phone. It’s a lot of let’s go to this restaurant tomorrow. It’s a lot of let’s go grab lunch. It’s a lot of I’m spending three weeks in your country, can I stay at your house. Oh yeah, I arrive in 3 days. It’s very unbothered, very careless, in a way that you can only be careless with something that has been carefully tamed and understood before. There’s always a shoulder strap falling off my friendship’s shoulder. It’s désinvolte. Yes, I want to do this. No, I don’t want to see you today. It’s a miss you followed by fuck off.

It’s a curated kind of ease, that speaks of decades of work on a relationship.

I love my QP partner like…

Something round and soft and warm. Like a childhood teddy bear. I love her like something that is always going to be welcome, no matter what, no matter where. I have known her for over a decade and I will know her for another fifty if I’m lucky. She is who I go to for comfort, support, calm and steadiness. I know all of her flaws and she knows all of mine, there is confidence in that love, trust that I will not be able to break it.

B and I’s love is rubber strong and titanium thick. It’s an old oak in middle of the forest. It will withstand anything, survive endings and new beginnings. It’s a solid foundation, something that doesn’t scare me and that I do not fear. It’s a pillar.

I think the big difference is that B and I are like an old couple: we are comfortable. There is no rush of emotion, only stability and an old kind of love. When I get a message from her, it’s a softening of my heart. It’s of course. It’s there you are. I put my feet under her thighs on the couch, and we hold hands in the car and during road trips. I dance with her during weddings. It’s a tender sort of physical affection, and there is no place in our physical touch for tension. It’s too full of comfort to hold anything else in. It’s I see you. Thank god you exist.

But B and I do not hold any romantic feelings for one another. She is aromantic so it just wouldn’t happen for her, but regardless, it’s not a “one day she’ll notice me” kind of arrangement for me. The love is here, and it is very strong, but it is platonic.

So, what happens when it’s not platonic?

I love my romantic partners like…

A helium balloon. My romantic love smells like something new, like the holidays, like an exotic place. It’s tense and exciting and moves at the slightest gust of win. I hold the ribbon tightly in my fist, and I get so very excited when it’s in my arms, and it’s beautiful and refreshing like citrus, like lemonade in summer. But a lot of things can go wrong with helium balloons.

I can forget to hold the ribbon for a second and it will float away into the sky. I can hold too tight against my chest and I will make it explode. If I haven’t tied the knot hard enough, it will deflate. There are a lot of dumb ways for that balloon to meet its end, so while it holds a lot of potential, and is filled with something very light and beautiful and airy… there is the potential of it falling apart.

When I have romantic tension with someone, it’s in the eyes first and foremost, something pulling me to them. I want to look. I pay attention to the way they move and I unconsciously learn their tells. The tension feels like a tangible potential. I want to touch them, and when I do, it feels like I am securing a treasure.

Kissing is part of the package, and holding hands, and whatever physical interaction feels good for everyone. Cuddling, sex even, if it’s ‘prepared’. Prepared in the way that scenes are in some kink communities. Sex isn’t something I would ever consider with B, it’s never been on the table and never will be. It’s always on the table with my romantic partner, in some form or another. I’ve only ever been in relationships with allosexual people before, so I can’t speak on what the next romantic relationship I will have will look like, but I’ve always been open to sexual intimacy, as long as it’s discussed and that… lines are drawn. I feel like a lot of discussion happens. Adjustements. Figuring it out. It feels like a unique way to show my appreciation for the fact that they are alive and making me feel like life has become a new game of heights.

Romantic love is like a rollercoaster. I feel alive, exhilarated. When I get a message from someone I have a romantic interest in, it’s finally, it’s you remember me, you thought of me today, how exciting. With someone I have romantic tension with, I have these thoughts of, I want to remember all the little details you let escape. I make it a game, how quickly can I learn everything about this person so I can care for them if the occasion arises?

But the love I have for someone romantic and new is fragile. It’s how can I break it and will I break it and when will I break it and what will the shards look like and will it hurt?

It’s a scary kind of high, but the thrill is worth it every time.

Wrapping it up

The emotions tied to my QPR and my romantic partners aren’t the same. There are three very distinct and different kind of loves… do I make sense? These diverse connections are so life-enriching, but they absolutely cannot be compared.

I think there is a tendency in our society to put The Romantic Partner as the one and only, the best of the best. I’m always irked when at weddings the officiant goes, “now look into you best friend’s eye and…” It’s not the same. Your best friend and your romantic partner can be the same (I guess), but I don’t really think it’s super smart to aim for that. It’s a lot of shoulder for one person. The pressure increases the more you ‘become’ something for someone else.

I think it’s really good, when you’re someone’s something—just not everything. I love the idea of it of course, I’m a romantic at heart. It’s a lovely story. I write about these soulmates thingy a lot. As I said—it’s a lovely story. It’s compelling.

But in my real life, I like the stability of having my triad. B and my best friends have been my pillars for over ten years. If the romantic partner falls, I’m still up. I’m still standing. I’m still loved. Two out of the three pillars are rock-solid. They have seen me evolve and grow and make mistakes and figure out what kind of person I am. They have context for all my flaws and all my gifts.

I honestly couldn’t ask for more.

I love you guys.

If this was interesting… I strongly recommend reading

The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship - Rhaina Cohen (Author)

Why do we assume romantic relationships are more important than friendships? What do we lose when we expect a spouse to meet all our needs? And what can we learn about commitment, love, and family from people who put deep friendship at the center of their lives? In The Other Significant Others, NPR's Rhaina Cohen invites us into the lives of people―spanning age and religion, gender and sexuality and more―who have defied convention by choosing a friend as a life partner.

If you don’t like reading…

My Tiktok response