My Asexual Story

Honestly, it's exhausting, but necessary. Here's my ace story, because we all have different one, and they all matter. Because it's confusing as all hell to go through.

Before I start interviewing new people, I think it’s only fair to give a recollection of my own ace story.

How long have I know I indentify somewhere on the ace spectrum? Three years, tops. How old am I? 28 years old. That means I thought I was a “normal” (read: allosexual) straight girl for the 26 first years of my life. Let’s give a quick run down memory lane (gross):

0-11

I literally have no recollection of anything different from other allos. I had “amoureux” (sweethearts) like most kids, and even sometimes held their hands (gasp!). I was just living my best life.

11-15

That’s generally the time when things start to happen, right? First heartbreaks and such? Same as most, I fell in a crushing, despairing Eternal Love™ with a dude (hi, Thomas!) for no apparent reason. I honestly would be hard pressed to say why (sorry, Thomas!).

Alas, Thomas did not love me back.

But pining for him made me discover poetry, both reading and writing it, so I guess thank you for the trauma?

Anyway, like exactly zero pre-teen my age, I decided that I needed something drastic to break the undying bonds of Eternal Love™, and henceforth I forced my parents to sign me up for a year abroad so I could learn English (thanks Mom and Dad, see how well that worked out?). They did, because they are the best (also because I did all the work and just showed up with the fully formed application and asked them to sign here, there and there, thanks).

And off to Canada I go for a year, where I experience no crushes but have a grand old time (I also distinctly remember writing a terrible poem about salt and sugar and how we were the same but not? Ugh).

16-19

That’s where the fun stuff starts to arrive. I change country, and I change schools.

I, in my 16 year old glory, decide that I am now a cool kid. Context: I was not a cool kid before (insert sad bullying story that we shan’t get into today).

So I show up at this new school thinking I am the shit, and guess what. It sort of works? I don’t end up with the popular crowd, but I do end up with the middle-I-guess-we’re-neither-cool-nor-too-nerdy crowd. I am saved. Also, my parents are cool and allow me to throw wild parties at my house and people like that. It boosts my popularity. I end up hanging with the popular kids for a while (would not recommend 5/10. The drama is so good though).

And this dude is my neighbor, he plays the guitar, has a girlfriend, but loves to flirt with me. At this point I am 16, what do you expect from me? Of course I flirt back. I am a terrible person. I kiss him. It doesn’t last (I throw up on his staircase at some point, and thus our love story dies a Tragic Death™. Well that, and his girlfriend learns about it through the grapevine, and I am subsequently shuned from the popular kids).

It’s okay though because this is a new school and there are many teens to choose from. Thus begins my search for The One™ (I am 16, I still believe I’ll be married in 4 years. Oh sweet summer child, if only you knew.)

I kiss a good friend who’s inbetween girlfriends, it starts to get heathed (on his end) and as soon as his shirt comes off I strongly suggest can we go eat pasta downstairs with my parents please please please? He is confused, but he obliges. We never. Ever. Ever discuss it again. For years.(We did discuss it a few months ago and he said he’d never been more befuddled in his life).

I kiss another dudebro who has a girlfriend (but she’s like… far. And I like that dudebro), but he’s loyal and so nothing else happens. Good on him to be fair. The kissing was… all right? But we’re young, and we don’t know how to kiss well, so it’s normal, right?

I also kiss a girl, and I don’t feel anything, but it’s a girl so it makes sense because I am into guys, right?

Then I fumble around with another boy at a party but the moment he takes me to a dark corner, I notice his ugly thumbs and disengage immediately. Ugly thumbs, gross.

Then I kiss and loose my virginity to another one of my friends because I’m about to turn 18 and like??? that’s who it’s supposed to go?? Right?? Also it’s a friend so it’s normal that I don’t feel anything, right?

Do you see a pattern emerging? Lots of excuses, she makes.

While all this stuff is happening and I’m running around kissing people I feel nothing for and nothing with (harsh but true), I start an epistolary (read: texting) sort-of-not-really-but-also-I-can’t-explain-it-otherwise relationship with a man 5 years my senior. I met him at a party and we vibe.

Nothing sexual ever happens or is ever mentioned, but it is the most romantic love story I experience as a teen. We are exchanging feelings and poetry and by God this is great. Added bonus? He’s too old for me. Unatteignable, my favorite. Because unatteignable men don’t want to have sex with me. Which I love.

Then said man cuts all ties with me because he’s too old for me, and also you can’t seem to make up your mind and decide if you want to be with me (his words). Insert confusion from my end. Wasn’t it fulfilling enough as it was? An epistolary romance? Swoon. Well, move on I must, and move on I do.

It’s time for uni.

Do I ever think about how weird it is to feel NOTHING AT ALL when I kiss people? Nope. Absolutely not. Everyone feels the same, right?

Right.

At this point, I have had sex one (1) time with my friend, and have effectively dodged all other attempts, either by others or, in some cases, myself (which proves harder, because how do you tell someone you thought you wanted to have sex with because it’s what everyone is doing that you actually nope, nevermind, sorry, my bad. Please let’s not).

At some point during that timeframe, I talk with friends about masturbation. Imagine my surprise when I realize I don’t and it’s Not Normal™ and that people do that? For fun? But why?

So I consult with a sex therapist because something… something is strange about all of this. I have thoughts and feelings and I just wonder. What she says will remain burned into my brain. “Imagine you go to a concert. You need to already like the music. You cannot go and expect the crowd movement to do the work”. (Translation: if you aren’t enjoying masturbation alone, why would you expect sex with another person to feel any different?)

Smart lady. Wish I’d listened to her sooner.

19-25

And so, we find ourselves in the crux of the story.

I arrive at uni. At the end of my first year, I online-meet someone. He’s my best friend’s best friend’s boyfriend and we end up on the same Whatsapp group for events.

I fall hard.

But Homeboy gives me major mixed feelings. He gives me indications that he likes me but then goes off to sleep with the girl he actually loves but never mentions to me. Love that for me, by the by. And so, this is perfect.

Homeboy gives me all I need. I have sadness, and drama, and emotions galore, and I write more poetry than ever before because my heart and soul are crushed. And our relationship, for full years, goes like this.

Me: “I like you.”

Homeboy: “Me too, but also her.”

Me: Crushed. Goes to write sad poetry and feel my feelings.

Now, Homeboy owns me. So I literally can not move on. And I won’t. If it’s not going to him, it’s going to be no one. Ever. I stand by that and nothing happens in my uni years. Which should be sad, but isn’t, because I’m not intentionally celibate. I am mournig True Love™. Right?

Starting to see a pattern, aren’t we?

I finish uni and Homeboy and I never speak again.

Nothing happens for another 4 years post uni.

At this point, I haven’t had sex in 7-8 years.

Am I missing it? No.

Am I missing love? No, because I am MOURNING MY ONE TRUE LOVE™, OKAY?

What I am missing is the feeling of loving, the feeling of being in love. Proximity. Connexion. Trust. Real emotions. Exchanging bodily fluids sounds gross and no thank you, also why is everyone telling me I should get laid? I don’t need to get laid. I need to get loved.

But then, one day, I decide I should probably download Tinder, because that’s definitely where my True Love™ hides. For sure. No red flags whatsoever. Also it’s been 8 years of no sex, and I should try again, to be sure.

25-28

Shocker, but I do meet someone on Tinder. We’ll call him Buddy. Buddy is great. Buddy is attractive. Buddy is American, and built like a fridge, and an engineer and I am extremely attracted to his face, his forearms and his brain.

We do the required 2 dates, and sleep together on the third. Nothing happens, but it’s normal, because it’s been ages, and my body doesn’t know what this is. So it’ll be better, and I’ll start feeling stuff soon.

I never do.

We date for two years.

We move in together after 6 months. Covid hits. We adopt a dog together. We move into a house with the dog. The entire time, I love him. I do. I think I do. I admire him. I think he’s great. He makes me feel safe, and loved, and content. We do loads of activities together. We puzzle. We rock climb. We bike. We run. We travel. We eat Froyo.

But, we also have sex.

8 months after the start of our relationship, we open it up so Buddy can find sex elsewhere because we’re mismatched. He likes to have sex. I just want to cuddle. We compromise.

Compromising on sex is not easy.

Ultimately, this is our downfall.

I see one sex therapist (who tells me to try roleplay, thanks for nothing), then another (who doesn’t seem to know what to do with me), then another. That third one is great. She tells me “Mary, you’re asexual”, and I say “no? I’m not?”, and then I research. Buddy comes to a session with me. At the end of the session, I cry a lot.

I want to want him.

I want to want ot have sex with him. But I don’t.

I simply… don’t.

That night, we break up, because I’m tired of pretending I want to have sex. Because he’s tired of pretending that sex isn’t a subject of contention. Because everything is great, but he cannot continue with a relationship where the girl he’s with doesn’t want him the way he wants her.

I move out.

28-29

I read… so many books on asexuality, aromanticism. I start to believe that a lot of the puzzle pieces make sense.

Just to be sure (because my friends tell me “maybe Buddy was just bad in bed?”), I have a fling with a guy, and… I have a moment where I think… maybe??? That maybe never happens again, and everything dies, including my interest. The fling dies a quick death (RIP).

I start talking about asexuality of Tiktok because I have thoughts. People relate. And I realize maybe instead of skirting around the subject, we could just talk about it.

So, that’s what I’m going to do here.

I’m going to talk about it.

Welcome! If you’d like to be featured or if you have any questions, please let me know!